It's time to ruin some childhoods by pitting two iconic slapstick duos that don't get along all that well but are certainly a force to be reckoned with once they finally get in gear against each other. Which team will go down and stay down?
Hiro: Incompetence doesn't really matter much when you're borderline invincible, as the combatants in this Fatal Fiction have demonstrated time and time again. These childhood duos of slapstick comedy may not get along all that well, but they're certainly a force to be reckoned with once they finally get in gear.
MBStarscream: Tom and Jerry, the most famous silent cat-mouse duo of all time...
Hiro: And Harry and Marv, the greedy and dimwitted Wet Bandits. I'm Hiro Hamada.
MBStarscream: I'm MBStarscream.
Hiro: And it's our job to examine both warriors' strength, abilities, weapons, and weaknesses to see who would win in a fight.
Tom and JerryEdit
Hiro: The relationship between cats and mice is best described as predator-prey, and for the most part, that applies to the two characters who have had children and adults laughing for more than 70 years: Tom and Jerry.
MBStarscream: Tom is usually but not always, portrayed as living a comfortable, or even pampered life, while Jerry always lives in close proximity to Tom. Very true to their real-life counterparts, these two have runnin' all over the place with Tom trying and always, always, always, always, ALLLLLLWAYS failing to make a simple snack out of Jerry each and every... single... damn... time. Tell me I wasn't the only one who always felt bad for that cat.
Hiro: Well technically, although cats typically chase mice to eat them, it is quite rare for Tom to actually try to eat Jerry. Most of his attempts are just to torment or humiliate Jerry, sometimes in revenge, and sometimes to obtain a reward from a human for catching Jerry.
MBStarscream: Either way, Tom makes for his 7-decade long losing streak against Jerry with his ability to endure incredible amounts of damage and still survive. Although his endurance varies from each episodes, he has shown to be able to survive a train hit, bullets, explosions, being pecked from the inside, being cut in half, cuts from various sharp objects, fire and electrocution.
Hiro: Despite his endurance, he does have his limit which is highlighted in some episodes where he is permanently damaged, put in bandages or outright killed by the end of a cartoon. He is also a very quick cat that is capable of keeping up with Jerry, and like normal cats, he is very agile and he can leap very high.
MBStarscream: Tom can also regenerate roughly well and fast but again, it varies from episode to episode. Plus, he's proven to be a strong pussy cat, heh, if you know what I'm sayin'...
Hiro: Tom is capable of harming Jerry, who survived a supposedly city-threatening explosion from a white mouse, and when amped by lightning, produced about 87.6 megatons of TNT when destroying an asteroid. He's also shown to be barely able to lift bowling bowls and is considerably superior to Jerry in strength, who can lift 2,000lb weights.
MBStarscream: And if Tom doesn't feel like fighting with either his claws or fists, he can make use of axes, hammers, firearms, firecrackers, explosives, traps, and many other kinds of weapons. Plus, he does possess above average levels of intelligence, being able to craft plans and traps in order to catch Jerry, showing that he is able to speak, and even piloting vehicles and robots.
Hiro: Sadly, these plans still backfire to this day, he's afraid of dogs, and he can be easily distracted by female cats. Now onto Jerry, the one who has given Tom such a hard time for this long.
MBStarscream: While considerably inferior to Tom in terms of endurance, Jerry still possesses a great amount of endurance as well. His endurance also varies from episodes to episode, but he is shown to be able to survive being crushed and stomped, and even a supposedly city-threatening explosion from a white mouse as Hiro already mentioned. But again, he does have his limits highlighted in one episode where he wasn't able to endure the freezing cold and literally froze.
Hiro: Despite being a mouse, Jerry is deceptively powerful and he is able to pick up objects larger than him. Arguably his most impressive feat of strength was when he was able to pick up Tom by the tail and slam him over him a couple of times.
MBStarscream: Jerry is very very quick and he is able to easily dodge Tom's attacks as well as many other attacks, and like normal mice, Jerry is an extremely agile opponent.
Hiro: Perhaps his most powerful quality is his intellect. He is a highly intelligent mouse that is able to outsmart his enemies, mainly Tom. When in dangerous situations, he is able to think of good ways to escape or dodge attacks. His intellect is the main reason why he is able to defeat or outlast Tom in most episodes.
MBStarscream: He's also got one hell of a stomach if he's able to eat cheese that is much bigger than him without his body bursting open. And much like Tom, he can also disregard fighting like a man in favor of using weapons in combat, like various hammers, which can vary in size. He can also increase the size of the hammer to make it even more deadly.
Hiro: However, Jerry still isn't a very skilled combatant and has occasionally met his loss against his arch-nemesis. But whether one of these two characters are on their own or together, Tom and Jerry have still proven how bad the idea of scoffing at them really is, so this is a duo you do not want to mess with any time soon.
Jerry pretends to look inside his fists to show Tom that he has something in and when Tom looks into his fists Jerry punches him in the eye.
Harry and MarvEdit
Hiro: Harry Lime and Marvin "Marv" Merchants, also known as The Wet Bandits, and later the Sticky Bandits, or simply known as Harry and Marv, are a villainous duo of incompetent burglars who target rich/renovated houses, and later a store called Duncan's Toy Chest. Harry is the leader, and Marv is the follower, or else, the comic relief of the two.
MBStarscream: Man, do they do a shit job. If an 8-year old is able to continually defeat them by causes all types of cartoon-like injury to these two hapless criminals in defense of his home, how can they even dream of being taken seriously?
Hiro: However, both robbers were still amazingly determined though and kept on trying to break into the house and capture Kevin but simply continued to be defeated in a string of slapstick-inspired pranks and traps. They soon prove to be a very real and deadly threat to Kevin as they are always seen stupidly attempting with everything in their power to murder Kevin instead of simply attempting to escape, which always proves to be their downfall.
MBStarscream: Yeah, I guess I can give em credit for just how supernaturally tough they are in the face of pain. Now you better grab a chair and sit down cuz me and Hiro are gonna be talking about Kevin's inhumanity for quite a while.
Hiro: Let's start with the traps that Harry fell victim to. In the first film, he got shot in the groin with a BB gun and would've fractured his vertebrae, posterior ribs and cervical spine while slipping on icy steps, the latter of which would break the neck of any other person and result in paralysis.
MBStarscream: And when he was finally able to open a door without either slipping on ice or burning his head on a 700°C doorknob, his head took the heat of an old blowtorch that would go THROUGH him at a devastating temperature of, I kid you not, 1,980°C! Not only would Harry no longer be HAIRY, but he'd no longer have a head or brain to process my pun! That is, if the blowtorch went into his face.
Hiro: He and Marv also got hit in the face by two 13lb paint cans flying at them at 20 miles per hour. If we assume your face crumples a bit and stops a paint can in about 3/4 of an inch of travel, that puts the impact force at 12kN. Do you realize what that means? If Harry and Marv got bare-knuckle punched by Mike Tyson twice at one time, it wouldn't even knock them out!
MBStarscream: In case you didn't know, 12kN is six times more than the force required to break your nose. THEN, if we take that force and divide by the mass of a human head, that means their heads would've snapped back at 266g's in real life.
Hiro: This would mean there is a virtually 100% chance Harry and Marv would've been knocked out and a 42% chance their skulls would've actually cracked.
MBStarscream: No, not insane enough for you? Well. how about Marv accidentally whacking Harry square in the chest with a 5lb crowbar, which would exert a total force of 15,000 newtons, about four and a half times the amount of force needed to break the average human rib? That shit would've broke through Harry's skin, seven ribs and punctured either his heart, lungs or both!
Hiro: Then he and Marv had a epic rope swing that caused them to hit a brick wall with 13,390.65 newtons, which is 2,975.7lbs or 901.73kg, which would dislocate the average human shoulder and fracture their humerus. And finally, when the two conniving bandits finally had Kevin at their mercy, Old Man Marley came to the child's rescue and K.O.'d each burglar with his snow shovel, which would cause anyone else to die of skull fracture with epidural hematoma.
MBStarscream: Fast forward to 1992, and things just got bat-shit insane.
Hiro: To start off the borderline maniacal traps in that movie, Marv and Harry both unknowingly jumped onto a plank and trash can set up as a makeshift see-saw which sent Harry flying 15ft into the air and landing on top of a car, crushing it somehow. Something like that would fracture his pelvis and spine, in addition to internal bleeding.
MBStarscream: He then slipped off of a ladder that was about two and a half stories up, causing him to fall and land at 45 kilometers per hour, with about 0.53 seconds to fully come to a halt.
Hiro: Which means he landed a force of around, hmm, 300lbs. On his upper spine and neck. Crunch. Indeed.
MBStarscream: Then a bunch of 2.15kg wrenches fell on his head with a force of 760 newtons, giving him nasty bruising around his skull in real life.
Hiro: His hat was then set on fire by another blowtorch with a temperature of 4,500°C, leaving him with no other choice but to stick his head into a toilet... that was filled with gasoline. This caused a powerful explosion that had 895 MJ behind it, or nearly a quarter ton of TNT, which is 2000lbs.
MBStarscream: How in the living hell that not blow his whole friggin' head off?!
Hiro: And how was he not concussed from falling from another ladder an a downward angle and hitting the floor with 27,000 newtons?! Oh, and it gets better. He and Marv got hit in the FACE by a swinging cast-iron pipe and were sent flying down the stairs and into a massive hole down ten feet. THEN... well, see for yourself.
Kevin cuts the ropes holding the pipe, causing it to fly down at Harry and Marv.
We hear a loud CLANG!!! as the pipe hits them off-screen.
Marv: That's... four...
MBStarscream: And finally, the other paint can scene. Harry fell with Marv three stories when Kevin ignited the kerosene-soaked rope and landed on a lever, which sent the cans sky-high to land on both bandits.
Hiro: And we still have Marv to talk about. He slipped and tumbled down on his back to the ice-covered stairway entrance to the basement and got hit in the head with his crowbar when he tried to get up, then got hit in the face with a 3kg heated iron falling from a laundry chute after pulling a light switch attached to the iron, leaving a massive iron-shaped burn on his face and killing him with a force of 6,239.16 newtons.
MBStarscream: He then lost his shoes and socks on some tar-covered basement stairs and jammed a nail into his foot after stepping on it, causing him to fall back down to the bottom of the stairs and scream in immense pain. And remember that scene with him and Harry vs. the paint cans? Well, when Marv was knocked down the stairs, he hit the floor with a force of 30,000 newtons before Harry CRUSHED him with another 25,000! That's a grand total force of 12.2,000 pounds exerted on Marv!
Hiro: Then there's the brick scene in the sequel. ...Enough said.
MBStarscream: Then this 98kg dimwit fell 10ft into the basement with a landing force of 10,396 NEWTONS! Do ya know how many pounds that is on your face?!
Hiro: He then stepped into a puddle of liquid detergent, slipped, fell on his back and slid into a big shelf of paint cans which fell onto him, covering him in paint, but not after being electric shocked by an arc welder that Kevin connects to the sink, making his skull be seen briefly. Kevin turned the AC/DC machine to 80 emperes, which is either 800 or 900 times the lethal amount to humans.
MBStarscream: You see, when an electric current goes through you, only about 0.1 amps will actually KILL you. That machine put out about EIGHTY. ZAP!
Hiro: Since Marv was covered in paint at the time, he had an electrical resistance of 1,000 ohms, and this would send out a voltage of 80,000 volts.
MBStarscrean: He then got hit by a hundred pound weight bag of dusty cement from about 13.6ft above him. The bag would have had an impact speed of about 20 miles per hour, and since it took 0.12 seconds for it to fully stop on his head, it would have crushed his upper half with a crazy high-force of 3,400 newtons, enough to crush his skull, rip open his spine, and bend his back so far over he would've been a permanently frozen contortionist. Where did these guys come from, Krypton?!
Hiro: The only weapon that they ever carry around is a crowbar, one per each robber. Crowbars are a tool consisting of a metal bar with a single curved end and flattened points, often with a small fissure on one or both ends for removing nails. But in Harry and Marv's case, they're used for prying open doors and windows, locked or otherwise.
MBStarscream: But how powerful are crowbars? Well, they can penetrate a human skull, if you use the "pry open doors" end. Blunt force can also be a bitch too, as we just discussed.
Hiro: But, at the end of the day... You almost feel bad for these guys, they have so many weaknesses. First off, they're stupid. They miss easy-to-see traps and, in turn, get knocked in the head so many times. Did we mention they fall for traps a lot?
MBStarscream: Plus, they've never overcome an 8-year old kid. Also, they can certainly survive the pain, but they still genuinely feel it. Also... not much combat experience here They're robbers, they just take a purse when they see it. In fact, they have no strategy at all.
Hiro: Eh, at least they're kinda good at what they do once they're done playing games?
Harry: Hey Marv, crowbars up.
Both Harry and Marv clang their crowbars before exiting their van.
Mario flips a coin.
Hiro: Well, Tom and Jerry outclass their new enemies in territory, but only two out of four will survive today.
MBStarscream: Uh, I wouldn't try and rob that house if I were you, Harry and Marv...
Tom and Jerry's house, outside
All was quiet. Black skies clung to the heavens. People were getting the sleep that they needed for the next 24 hours. All lights were out. Then, the silence was shattered by the sound of a totally not suspicious looking van pulling up right outside the front door of a nearby house.
Inside the van were none other than the Wet Bandits, who were in the mood for yet another good ol' fashioned break in so that whatever possessions in the house would be in their hands. Harry and Marv got out of the van and eyed the house before them. After a while of staring, the two burglars started approaching the house while Harry muttered, "I'm tellin' ya Marv, this house had better be kid-free, cuz I'll eat my hat if my head gets set on fire again."
"Yeah, and there better be no tar and nails on the stairs either, or Christmas ornaments on the floor." Marv said as the memories started smacking him in the face as hard as a person falling off a racetrack.
Little did they know, this house was indeed kid free, but it wasn't animal-free...
Tom and Jerry's house, inside
Two tall and ominous silhouettes appeared on the glass window on the back door on the house. Marv pulled out a crowbar and slipped the curved hand of his weapon into the gap of the door. It took quite a bit of exertion, but with enough pushes, Marv eventually got the door open, enabling him and his partner to enter the house. Unable to see in the pitch darkness, the duo searched for a light by moving their hands around randomly, hoping to find a switch.
The lights suddenly went on seemingly on their own, and the Wet Bandits screamed in fright upon seeing a near human sized bipedal cat with green eyes and yellow in the whites of the eyes a white torso, white hands and feet, and white on the tip of his tail, with the rest of his body being gray in color. With a mighty blow, Tom Cat decked Harry right in the nose, then did the same thing to Marv, knocking down the two criminals. He then ran off while Harry and Marv lay on the floor with fractured nasal bones.
Having heard the commotion, a brown house mouse peeked his head out of his mouse hole to see what was going on. Right then, Tom appeared out of nowhere and starting pointing to the direction he had just come from while making burglar gestures. Once he understood the situation, Jerry Mouse immediately put on a "Let's get dangerous!" face and raced to the kitchen with Tom, where Harry and Marv had just gotten to their feet, both of them now furious.
"OH, THAT'S IT!" Harry snarled while getting his crowbar out, Marv doing the same. "I HOPE THE TWO A YA LIKE CROWBARS, CUZ WE'RE GONNA USE YOUR BRAINS TO DECORATE EM!"
Tom and Jerry's non verbal replies were getting into fighting stances to tell their new opponents that they had just broken in the wrong house. (Not that they didn't in the first place anyway...)
Harry and Marv unleashed fierce yells as the two teams charged, ready to fight. Tom grabbed Marv, spun him around and slammed him into a wall while Jerry climbed up Harry's leg. As Harry shook around wildly in fury, Tom pinned Marv to the wall with one hand and started punching him across the face with the other. Tom's assault had no mercy until Marv brought up his crowbar, causing Tom to punch it by accident, causing him pain and forcing him to halt his attack. With his feline opponent distracted, Marv swung the crowbar, striking Tom in the chest.
Tom ducked under another swing, then took out a hammer from behind his back. Tom and Marv swung their respective weapons, clashing them like swords. Meanwhile, Harry was just about going all over the place, thrashing around and even punching himself in certain areas excluding his package in his rage, Jerry running up and down his body all the while. His wrathful shouts and mumbles only got worse when Jerry started sinking his teeth into his shoulders, chest and stomach repeatedly. Desperate times called for desperate measures, so Harry reluctantly hit himself with his crowbar multiple times until it found his target, allowing the chuckling bandit to pull Jerry out of his jacket.
But much to his shock, the very much alive rodent flashed an evil smirk at him, then pulled out a hammer and threw it at Harry's forehead, stunning him and causing him to drop Jerry onto the floor. He caught the falling hammer with one hand and smashed it on Harry's foot like a high striker, making the thief hop around the room on his other foot, mumbling even more in pure pain and anger.
"Harry!" Marv exclaimed, the sounds of his friend's rage and agony having reached his ears. Tom took advantage of Marv's distraction to kick him in the chest, knocking him down. Getting back on his feet, Marv resumed his crowbar vs. hammer fight with Tom, but the upper hand wouldn't be in his hands any time soon. He felt a sharp pain in his leg as the hammer swung through the air and hit it, forcing him down on his knees. Looking up at Tom with a face twisted with ire, Marv hit the cat in the gut with his crowbar, the hammer falling to the floor as a result of Tom doubling over, winded. He raised the crowbar high in the air and smashed Tom's cranium, splitting it in two.
Marv was utterly baffled by the fact that no blood or brain matter was anywhere to be seen on his crowbar. His mind only started spinning even faster when Tom easily put his halved head back together as if his skull wasn't made even made out of bone at all. He picked the hammer back up and started swinging it over and over again, Marv ducking each and every time. Seeing the futility of his attack, Tom faked his next shot, a trick that only an idiot like Marv would fall for, which he did. When he lifted his head again, a powerful swing of the hammer sent Marv flying across the room and smashing into the wall, cracking it.
As for Harry, he was not able to see what his ally was going through, as Jerry was slamming him into the floor numerous times like Hulk did to Loki six and a half years ago. When Jerry finally finished, Harry was a pathetic wheezing wreck on the considerably damaged floor. With both villains down for the count, Tom and Jerry smiled at each other mischievously before the former took out a dynamite and lit it before taking Harry's hat, putting the dynamite in it and putting the hat back on Harry's head, before he and Jerry darted out of the room and upstairs. The Wet Bandits weakly lifted their heads while groaning, until their faces slowly contorted with horror once they heard the heart-stopping sound of "SSSSSSSSSSSSS...", then...
The explosion lit up every downstairs window in the house for a brief second until the light went out. It was powerful enough to destroy the light bulb and burn up the entire room, leaving Harry and Marv in the dark again. When he opened his eyes again, Harry brought a hand up to his scalp and the burning sensation, combined with the realization of what had happened three times now, made him a whole new level of mad.
"Oh, boy. Now I'm gonna kill 'em." He growled as he angrily pushed himself upright. He turned his head to see Marv still lying on the floor with his eyes shut tight and his fingers in his ears, a sight that made the already enraged Harry lift his dimwitted ally to his feet and practically throw him out the room while roaring "Will ya come on, Marv?!"
The duo got to the stairs and started stomping up while Harry shouted "YOU BETTER SAY EVERY PRAYER YOU EVER HEARD BEFORE, YA LITTLE PESTS!" Marv joined in with "I hope your owner has a tombstone in your house!" In the bedroom, Tom and Jerry gave each other angry looks upon hearing Harry and Marv saying those threats to them before cat and mouse hid under the bed. The Sticky Bandits burst into the room to find nothing. "Where'd they go?" Marv questioned.
Just then, a white hand grabbed Marv's leg and claws dug into his skin, making him shout out in pain. He was pulled under the bed before Harry could so much as blink, prompting him to walk around the bed and somehow flip it over with some difficulty to see Tom and Jerry going all out on his partner in a fight cloud. "NOW YOU'RE DEAD!!!" He screamed before he jumped up in the air and did a elbow slam right into the cloud, adding to the chaos.
The fighting went of a solid five seconds until the cloud moved out of the room and in front of the stairs, which was when Harry and Marv were thrown out of the cloud and went tumbling down the stairs. When they reached the bottom, Tom and Jerry retreated back into the bedroom. The two hapless burglars slowly got back up and were only about four steps up when they screamed fearfully at the sight of their animal opponents flying down toward him, hammers at the ready.
Their foreheads caving in was the last thing Harry and Marv felt before all went black in their vision and they fall back down, this time not getting back up again. With their freshly dead enemies defeated, Tom and Jerry threw their hammers away and gave each a high five, having saved their house from the Wet Bandits thanks to some good teamwork.
MBStarscream: Man, I thought Darkseid vs. Frieza's outcome was totally obvious...
Hiro: This fight really wasn't that close if we're being perfectly honest. Sure, Harry and Marv are certainly capable of holding out thanks to their astronomical ability to take damage that would normally be fatal to any other human being, but Tom and Jerry held the advantage in pretty much everything you can think of, and I mean just about everything.
MBStarscream: Harry and Marv are tough and all, but Tom and Jerry have survived things that are leagues worse than anything that Kevin threw at the Wet Bandits, with their regeneration especially being a big problem for Harry and Marv here.
Hiro: And in comparison to Harry and Marv's average human physiques, Tom and Jerry's top strength feats paint the picture that they were too tough for them very, very clearly. And even ignoring their superior combat prowess and experience, all Harry and Marv carry around with them are your normal, every day crowbars, while Tom and Jerry have loads more tricks hidden up their non-existent sleeves.
MBStarscream: And to put the final two nails in Harry and Marv's coffins, comparing their speed and intellect is like a cheetah vs. a turtle and Albert Einstein vs. a Goomba. Do we really need to say anything else other than there was just no way the Wet Bandits could steal this victory?
Hiro: Tom and Jerry win.
Tom and Jerry (Winners)Edit
- Just about everything you can think of