Sigh, kids these days... Which greedy and mean-spirited young villain protagonist of their respective animated series will come out on top in today's Fatal Fiction?
Hiro: Greed, one of the Seven Deadly Sins. It is a artificial, rapacious desire and pursuit of material possessions that can bring out the worst in anyone, a description that most definitely fits these two little hot-headed scammers.
MBStarscream: Eddy, the junior con artist and leader of the Eds.
Hiro: And Eric Cartman, the most evil child to ever reside in South Park. I'm Hiro Hamada.
MBStarscream: I'm MBStarscream.
Hiro: And it's our job to examine both warriors' strength, abilities, weapons, and weaknesses to see who would win in a fight.
Hiro: Born and raised in Peach Creek to two unnamed parents and an abusive elder brother, young Eddy Skipper McGee always had it rough.
MBStarscream: Yeah, having your own brother giving you a pounding nearly your whole life will make for a difficult childhood.
Hiro: Only two things were on Eddy's mind: Friends and jawbreakers. But he could never afford one jawbreaker, even though you only need about $0.25 cents to buy a real jawbreaker. So Eddy thought of an elaborate scheme that would help him earn those sweet candy balls. When he met a strong, dim-witted dogsbody named Ed and a neat freak inventor named Edd, who was also called Double D by the way, the three friends formed a group with Eddy as their self-appointed leader.
MBStarscream: Since then, these three always devised plans to scam the cul-de-sac kids out of their money, which they want to use to buy jawbreakers. However, problems always, always ensued, and the Eds' schemes ended in failure and humiliation far more times than not.
Hiro: The cul-de-sac kids never included the Eds as part of their group, making the trio outcasts. Then one day, one of Eddy's scams backfired so disastrously that it left the cul-de-sac in a state of total devastation and left four of the kids, Jonny 2 x 4, Kevin, Nazz and Rolf, with horrible wounds.
MBStarscream: Needless to say, Eddy and his pals made it to GTFO in Eddy's brother's car as soon as possible. After narrowly escaping the kids' wrath, the Eds decided to search for Eddy's older brother for protection, but Eddy didn't actually know where his brother currently lived... until they finally located him, living in a trailer resembling a whale.
Hiro: Although his brother originally seemed to be everything that the kids imagined, it didn't take long for him to reveal himself to be the true sadistic abuser he always was towards Eddy without reason, leaving everyone appalled.
Eddy's Brother: Just for old times' sake, let's play...Uncle.
Eddy's Brother: [throwing Eddy down] Wanna crash at my place, don'tcha?
Eddy: That's why we came all the way–Uncle! Uncle! [Eddy's brother is twisting his leg into a spiral.] Uncle!
Eddy's Brother: Say what?
Eddy: Uncle! Uncle! Uncle uncle!
Edd: [gulping] Oh my.
MBStarscream: As the other kids began to defend Eddy from his brother, Ed sent the trailer door flying into Eddy's brother and knocked him out. As Eddy expressed remorse over his past actions, he revealed that he lied about his brother and acted the way he always did in an unsuccessful attempt to gain admiration and social acceptance. Touched by Eddy's open confession and apology, the kids forgave and finally accepted the Eds as friends. And that, folks, is how our story came to an end. I still miss it.
Hiro: Throughout his misadventures with his friends, Eddy accomplished a large amount of crazy feats that break all the rules of nature. He has shown to be impressively strong, being able to knock out sewer crocodiles, lift a whole bed and slam it on Edd, uproot fire hydrants, and lift Ed off the ground, who can effortlessly lift buildings with ease.
MBStarscream: And he ain't slow either. He can run up walls, keep up with Kevin's bike and Ed, and once ran fast enough to create a speed animation! You're also not gonna hurt him that easily if that thought came to your head upon seeing him for the first time.
Hiro: Eddy's superhuman levels of durability enable him to endure electrocution, falls from space, beatings from his brother, having a hole chewed through his torso, getting crushed by a house, point blank explosions, the final trial of the Hairy Chest of Resilience Badge, being frozen into a block of ice and melting into a puddle afterwards, and numerous curses after he discovered a cursed telephone.
MBStarscream: Oh, but there's more. Remember what we said about Lori Loud from The Loud House having Toon Force when had her and Candace Flynn from Phineas and Ferb fight to the finish about nine months ago? Well, the Toon Force Eddy possesses is definitely something much more than what Lori has ever shown.
Hiro: He once removed Jimmy's outline, turning him into liquid, and he can pull objects out of nowhere or stuff them in his pockets regardless of the object's size. Any injuries or damage suffered to his body quickly heal off screen and he can breathe in space, walk off the edge of a cliff and only falls if he looks down and... ate the Sun.
MBStarscream: HE ATE A PERFECT SPHERE OF HOT FRICKIN' PLASMA THAT BURNS AT 5,505 °C YOU GUYS!!!
Hiro: And should he feel like using his bad manners in a major confrontation, a loud belch from Eddy's mouth will stun and disgust his opponent, and knock out his enemies. Plus, to add to his physicality and abilities, Eddy has a big list of weapons at his disposal.
MBStarscream: He's got electric gum, a snow cone cannon, a Health Jawbreaker that heals him instantly, a Special Jawbreaker that allows him to hit, freeze and stun multiple enemies at once, El Mongo Stink Bombs, two furry dices, a big fish, a jet pack, an alien vacuum, a cursed telephone, a hypno wheel, the Ray of Riches, a bowling ball cannon, Thingamajig, a baking soda vapor barrier, elevator boots, Eddy's Brother's Armenian Secret Hot Sauce, Vaporizing-Turbo grenades, and an Eddy gun that he used in the online game The Ed-Touchables. Add in the fact that his hair can turn into a helicopter if he pulls on his wallet chain and you've got quite an arsenal.
Hiro: And unfortunately some disappointing weaknesses. Eddy is arrogant, selfish, impatient, loud-mouthed, stubborn, immature, greedy, and hot-tempered. His scams often backfire mainly due to Ed or his own incompetence, and most of his plots usually gets him into trouble.
MBStarscream: He also can't help but be a show-off at times, and has occasionally over-looked important details. And being the shortest of the Eds, he kinda has a Napoleon complex.
Hiro: But trigger Eddy's temper at your own risk, because he certainly makes up for his flaws with the things he can and will do if you're not careful.
Eddy: If you can't beat 'em, show off!
Hiro: When you combine the words "South" and "Park", and add in some abortions, Nazi zombies, Cthulhu, and basically any crazy thing you can think of, you get one of the craziest and most controversial show to ever air on television.
MBStarscream: Man, oh man, if ya thought Gotham City was a place to not spend vacation, then South Park will make you appreciate The Joker's playground a whole lot more.
Hiro: One child in particular who resides in this abnormal town especially makes South Park stand out by a hell of a lot. This 10-year old overweight, racist, foul-mouthed and manipulative sociopath goes by the name Eric Cartman.
MBStarscream: Ya had one job Mr. Cartman, and you couldn't even put a condom on that d of yours.
Hiro: With only his mother Liane in his life, the lack of fatherhood was quick to take its toll on young Cartman, shaping him into the spoiled brat we all know and love to hate. He soon met three other kids with whom he would become inseparable. ...Most of the time.
MBStarscream: Let's just say there's more than a few reasons why Stan Marsh, Kyle Brofloski and Kenny McCormick don't consider Cartman a "friend". This demon in a body of a boy who needs a diet more than anything is constantly spreading hate speech and bullying others (especially poor Kyle), as well as deceiving and using people and causes to achieve his own goals.
Hiro: Cartman is notable for having a very large criminal record for someone so young. Although he has committed many atrocities and crimes, he has only been arrested six times, and it's rare to actually see being put behind bars.
MBStarscream: What hasn't this guy done politically incorrect? Vandalism, manslaughter, animal and child abuse, arson, graverobbing, hate crimes, just about anything in the book.
Hiro: But that doesn't mean he and his friends haven't gone on too many misadventures to count, pulling off a number of feats that is just as big as the number of morally questionable things he has done throughout South Park's history. He has enough strength to send other kids flying with a backward kick, knock over large planetarium projectors by kicking them, and once beat Bilbo Baggins from The Hobbit to death in a fit of rage.
MBStarscream: And good luck trying not to piss him off by attempting to hurt him in any way. He can get anally probed by aliens, shoved up a cow's hole, brutally beaten up by PC Principal and struck by frickin' lightning without issue.
Hiro: And don't let his obesity fool you. While he is the slowest out of his friends due to his unhealthy weight, Cartman has been able to dodge/run out of the way of incoming bullets aimed his way on several occasions, as well as quickly disappear and reappear in other parts of the room when people aren't looking, and once rolled out of the way of flying bullets all over the place during a school shooting.
MBStarscream: He's also a gasshole just like Eddy, cuz he's got some real smelly farts. Cartman can even throw fire farts after eating an abundance of VERY spicy food, and can also throw fire farts if the satellite installed up his rectum malfunctions a bit.
Hiro: By farting on burgers all day, Cartman can make them taste like a combination of everything he normally eats making them taste delicious, as disgusting as that sounds. And if he comes up with the sick idea of farting directly next to some one for long periods of time, Cartman can cause so much fecal matter to build up in their nose over time that it will prevent them from being able to breathe through their nose and take almost a month to remove.
MBStarscream: I bet he makes my granddad's gas smell like flowers.
Hiro: Cartman has also rarely demonstrated the ability to use light Toon Force, being able to lift large mallets, get out disguises, and zip away off screen rather quickly. He seems to also have Hammerspace, often pulling objects out of seemingly nowhere while other times pulling them out of a yellow back pack. His head once actually exploded like a bomb upon finding out KFC was illegal, and somehow shoved all of Disney Land up his anus, smuggled it into Juvenile Hall, and defecated it out just to make a friend "Romper Stomper" happy.
MBStarscream: Though Cartman seems generally stupid academically, this could just be a lack of regard for academics. He has demonstrated exceptional cunning and intelligence for his age in all other situations. He seems to know how to speak Spanish and German and understands enough about economics, politics and religion to manipulate them with little effort.
Hiro: Cartman is also a powerful leader and has easily rallied his classmates and even large groups of adults to follow him in missions. Despite seeming to be rather lazy in most cases, Cartman has demonstrated a great passion for method acting. When he thought he was of Native American and then African American heritage, he flawlessly took on the stereotype of both cultures, adopting their mannerisms, attire and gestures perfectly. He also showed this talent whilst temporarily acting as a police officer, Adolf Hitler, a mentally handicapped child, a Christian Rock Musician and Gandalf from Lord of the Rings among many others.
MBStarscream: Cartman has been shown to be an expert in the act of ventriloquism, as shown in "Fat Butt and Pancake Head", "200", and "201". It is also shown that Cartman sometimes uses his talent to express his delusional side, he demonstrates this through his hand, which he calls Mitch Conner. In "Fat Butt and Pancake Head", his hand has an affair with Ben Affleck, gets signed onto a record company, and almost gets him killed by Jennifer Lopez. He seemed go through all of that solely for the purpose of tricking the rest of the boys. Although, in "200", it is shown that Mitch Conner may be a real being, as he was shown to possess knowledge that Cartman did not.
Hiro: Cartman is shown to send a message to an anger management psychologist's wife in mere minutes, making it look like a police report; Cartman had to find the location/number of The Psychologist in order to send the message. Cartman is also shown to type very fast, as he wrote apparent emails about a teenage girl having a sexual affair with The Psychologist.
MBStarscream: He also carries more weapons than any other kid in South Park, although where he obtains these weapons is never properly explained. Cartman has been shown using a dagger when trying to stop Stan and Kyle from destroying the Wall-Mart, and a pair of sai in "Good Times with Weapons". Keep in mind that he never actually struck anyone with these weapons, although it is pretty obvious he could have.
Hiro: Cartman also wields a syringe of apple juice that he can inject directly into his bloodstream and give him super bad farts as he puts it, a baseball bat, a bear mace, a children's low riding tricycle called Big Wheel, an actual fully functional blaster used in the Star Wars franchise, a chainsaw, Cheesy Poofs, a flute that makes anyone potentially crap themselves to death, a mallet, a nightstick, a P.29 stun baton, a regular stick, a taser, a taser gun, a TNT stick, a wiffle bat, and V-Chip, which was installed in Cartman's head during the South Park movie to prevent him from cursing by giving him an electric shock every time he swore.
MBStarscream: It later began to malfunction as a result of him getting electrocuted from a switch to an electric chair, giving Cartman the ability to shoot electricity out of his hands. He can also generate electricity by cursing: The more frequently/intensely he curses, the more powerful the blast can become.
Hiro: He is able to hurt demons and inhabitants of hell such as an undead Saddam Hussein, and while it was presumed the V-Chip was removed, these abilities later showed up again in "Stick of Truth" as one of Cartman's attacks. The V-Chip might have died down as time went by later making Cartman unable to use it any time he wants, though it might be still possible to some how trigger it, though this is just speculation.
MBStarscream: And if he's not bad enough on his own, he's got two alter egos, The Coon and Grand Wizard King. The Coon has sharp claws on his finger tips and used for scratching enemies, leaving bleeding stinging cuts, and comes armed with Coon T-Shirts to give out so he can promote himself any chance he gets. Oh, and he has the Coon Cycle which is just his Big Wheel modified with a raccoon theme and has special attacks/abilities in the South Park video games.
Hiro: Grand Wizard King is Cartman's alter ego when role-playing. He has a stick that he can whack enemies with and actually cause serious damage, and also gains the ability to use several special attacks from the video games. So of his potential certainly makes Cartman a dangerous person.
MBStarscream: But sadly, he is still nothing more than a mortal child and can easily overpowered up close without any weapons. Some of his best plans require prep time, and while very intelligent and resourceful, he can be quite dumb sometimes.
Hiro: Cartman can still be very immature and not take things seriously when he should, aan cry like a baby if he's been hurt, though this can just be a rouse. Plus, he's far from patient, having once froze himself because he couldn't wait three weeks for a Nintendo Wii.
MBStarscream: But denying Cartman of his goal is a dangerous game, and he will express that to you one way or another.
Eric Cartman: Screw you, guys! I'm a-goin' home!
Fatal Fiction Edit
Mario flips a coin.
Hiro: Well, Eddy gets an edge in territory, but can he stand up to South Park's mascot and get out of it alive?
MBStarscream: You do know that the mouth of the second combatant could get us a age strike, right?
Hiro: This isn't YouTube, Starscream,
MBStarscream: I suppose so. Let's just fight already.
The Cul-de-Sac, Peach Creek
One bright and sunny afternoon, an overweight 10-year-old boy in a red jacket, yellow mittens, a blue hat with a yellow puff ball on top, brown pants, and black shoes was walking through the neighborhood just minding his own business. But Eric Cartman wouldn't just be walking peacefully for long. In fact, he was about to get a lot more than just a walk in this seemingly innocent cul-de-sac.
"Come one, come all! Check out Eddy's gadgets for only twenty five cents!"
Turning his head to find the source of the voice he had just heard, Cartman saw another boy two years older than him holding some kind of event at a stand. This boy wore a yellow polo shirt with a purple collar/sleeve hems and a vertical red stripe on the right side. He also wore light blue pants, as well as a wallet chain and plain red shoes, and had three black hairs on his otherwise bald head.
"Heh heh, look at that idiot trying to make money." Cartman thought to himself. He decided to voice his thoughts out loud (but not that loudly) by muttering "Man, I don't know if I should laugh as this poor ass midget trying to make money for feel sorry for--"
Cartman's muttering was apparently still loud enough for Eddy to hear, as he was walking right up to the sociopathic child, his eyes like fire. "Who are you calling a midget, fatty?!" He said angrily while pointing a finger at Cartman like a gun. Upon hearing the insult directed toward his weight, it was Cartman's turn to be triggered.
"Hey! Don't call me fat, three-haired ass sucker!" Eddy's already short temper started to flare twice as badly at Cartman's dirtier exchange of words. "Oh, you want a knuckle sandwich in that big gut of yours?!" He growled in Cartman's face, which only twisted with even more fury. "It's on, motherfucka!" He challenged.
Told you Cartman was gonna have more than just a walk today.
Eddy grabbed Cartman by his jacket and started pushing him backward until the latter was shoved against a lamp post. "Show me what ya got then, pal!" But Eddy was then sumo-wrestled to the ground by his younger enemy and pummeled until he furiously threw Cartman off of him. As Cartman crashed onto his back, Eddy got up and pounced on him like a leopard. The two children started rolling on the floor and were wrestling for a solid six seconds until Eddy's better strength allowed him to lift Cartman off the floor as he got on his feet. Cartman was forced back by a shove from Eddy, to which he retaliated with a headbutt that caught Eddy off guard and caused him to hold his nose in pain.
With his opponent distracted, Cartman was able to gut punch Eddy and then grip his throat with both hands before forcing him down. Cartman squeezed, and Eddy's air supply was cut off. The scammer's hands went to Cartman's and scratched desperately; Cartman bared his teeth and squeezed even harder. Eddy's lungs begged for sweet, cool, life-giving air, and his eyes strained in their sockets.
"How do ya like this, huh, you son of a bitch?!" Cartman taunted the boy he was strangling. Then Eddy's mouth opened wide and to Cartman's shock, all he could see was his opponent's uvula as the leader of the Eds wrapped his jaws around the racist bully's entire head as if it were a jawbreaker.
Needless to say, Cartman had a good reason to release Eddy's neck right then and there, but before he could do anything else, the 12-year-old prankster jumped up in the air and threw Cartman aside like a T-Rex would a raptor. On his hands and knees, Cartman wiped Eddy's saliva off his head while cursing, "Aw, yuck! Oh! Fuck! Gross!"
Before he could fully recover, Eddy sent Cartman flying into the air with a mighty kick, then jumped up to meet the younger and plant a fist into his stomach, sending him flying away and crashing to the ground. Cartman got up with a angry scowl and stared at a grinning Eddy hatefully before taking out a baseball bat, ready to do some bashing. His smile only widening, Eddy took out a weapon of his own: A stink bomb, which he threw at Cartman in a perfect pitcher's stance.
With a swing of the baseball bat, Cartman struck the stink bomb in hopes of knocking it away, but it still exploded due to the force of Cartman's swing, resulting in the evil child being overwhelmed by the green gas. "Man, I thought my farts fuckin' stunk!" Cartman managed to cough. Eddy laughed as he tossed a second stink bomb to the ground, forming another mini gas cloud. When all the gas was gone and Cartman could see and breathe again, Eddy was nowhere in sight. He gritted his teeth as he picked up the baseball bat that he had dropped when the first stink bomb did its work while still looking at where Eddy once stood.
"Come out, come out, where ever you are..." He growled while pounding the bat into his other hand. Then out of nowhere, a snow cone hit him in the face from his right. "Ow! What the--?!" Then another one hit him. He turned to see Eddy wearing a jet pack, holding a snow cone cannon. A third snow cone hit Cartman in the abdomen, then the forehead, and then a lot more snow cones did their duty until there was only a pile of them on the ground with Cartman nowhere to be seen. Eddy laughed at the sight.
"Let's see you keep up with THAT, chubby!" He gloated. Right on cue, a very pissed Cartman burst out of the snow cones with a ferocious glare on his face. "Oh, that! Is! IT!" His anger knowing no bounds, Cartman leaped off screen, and leaped right back on with his Coon outfit. Eddy, seeing only one possible way to counter this and more impressed than he would've liked to admit, also leaped off screen, and leaped right back on as Professor Scam.
"This looks like a job for Professor Scam!" He declared. "Try this on for size!" Cartman replied in a raspy voice, "You're nothing compared to The COON, bitch!" Eddy narrowed his eyes. "We'll see about that." He said in a more quiet tone than usual.
Cartman then yelled like a warrior rushing into war as he leaped in Eddy's direction, ready to slice n' dice with his claws. Unfortunately, Eddy had a counter for that: His Ray of Riches, which he fired at Cartman, sending him to the ground. He shot Cartman a few more times until his adversary, in a fit of burning anger, jumped at least a foot and a half into the air and dodged more shots as he made his way towards Eddy. He swung his claws at him, and Eddy shouted in pain as his chest was slashed, spilling fresh blood from the wounds.
"Why you little--!" Now furious, Eddy gave Cartman a kick in the tenders if you know what I'm saying, then poked his right eye with a finger. Using Cartman's disoriented state to his advantage, Eddy jumped over the former owner of Cartmanland and shot him in the back with his Ray of Riches, downing him yet again. He rolled onto his back and angrily got up as Eddy kept the Ray of Riches pointed at him.
"One step equals another shot, buddy." Eddy warned tauntingly, which only infuriated Cartman even more so. "Oh, will ya ever shut the fuck up and just DIE?!" He screamed before stubbornly rushing towards Eddy, who yawned while firing the Ray of Riches. Had he kept his eyes open, he would've seen Cartman slide underneath the shot back-first, claws ready to slice through unfortunate skin once more.
The con artist's eyes snapped again as something sharp slashed both of his legs as Cartman slid underneath him, coming to a stop just behind the 12-year-old. As Eddy went down in a heap of pain, Cartman turned around and grinned at the sight before he started to curse in gibberish, charging up an electric aura around him. When he was done, he fired a blast of electricity towards Eddy, electrocuting him. As his smile got bigger, Cartman took out a chainsaw and fired it up, ready to finish this.
When Eddy turned around, he was terrified to see Leatherface in a boy's clothing walking up to him, chainsaw ready to get down to business. "You got anything else to say, bitch?" He said smugly. Sweat started to flow down Eddy's head as Cartman got closer. Then he looked behind the approaching racist and got an idea. "Huh. That's a weird place to put a piano."
Confused and falling for Eddy's trick, Cartman looked behind him. giving the younger greedy scammer the perfect opportunity to pull out a bowling ball cannon. Cartman heard the sound of a bowling ball being shot at him, but it was too late; the ball hit him right in the abdomen with enough force to rupture his intestines. Another bowling ball flew at the screaming Cartman, this time blowing his entire head to pieces, blood and brain matter flying everywhere.1
Eddy let out a sigh of relief as the decapitated boy fell lifelessly. "That was a close one. He was crazy! Ed and Double D are in for quite a story!"
And with nothing else to say, he left Cartman's corpse behind, having won the day.
MBStarscream: Goddamn, show it again!
Hiro: Eddy and Cartman are some tough sons of bitches and while at first, they might seem like they're more than a match for each other, it all becomes clear when you look at their feats of strength, speed and durability, which Eddy ultimately dominated to make up for his inferiority to Cartman in terms of arsenal and intelligence.
MBStarscream: Cartman may have survived things like being struck by lightning, tanking hits from thugs, aliens, PC Principal, etc, but Eddy has endured similar things like point blank explosions, hits from Ed and Rolf, who are strong enough to lift houses and uproot trees, and a freaking fall from outer space with barely a scratch, so Cartman was quite obviously at a disadvantage.
Hiro: Cartman's arsenal was better than Eddy's, but even with that edge, he couldn't really take down Eddy with any of them since the latter had taken far worse punishment before, with his superior Toon Force to make it even harder for Cartman to keep up with his older foe before he inevitably fell to the stronger scammer in this fight.
MBStarscream: You could say that Eddy had the BALLS to show Cartman who was boss.
Hiro: Eddy wins.
- More durable
- Better Toon Force